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  • Francis James

Rolling Car of Automated Doom

Updated: Jul 30

I’ve no self control, my dearest hearse.

I don’t understand how I can live without you, rumbling down my hometown street, waiting for me to hop in for a ride from which I’ll never return.

I got in the car too early in life. Before I knew about the dangers of driving with strangers.

You’ve been a part of me for so long, and for so long I’ve dabbled in your witchcraft. That’s what it is, right? Witchcraft? Black magic? Irresistible allure, meant only for the loneliest of creatures. Those of us left for dead in the middle of a wide road which leads to no-where. No thing. I fall towards the core of the Earth, I roll downhill because that’s the direction that makes the most sense when you need something like gravity to help you get somewhere. Anywhere but back there. But that’s not so great, is it? Back there was bad but where I’m heading is worse. And now that momentum has taken over I’ve lost almost all control of this dilapidated and problem ridden antique of an auto-mobile.

You see, I’ve spent this whole trip thinking I was in the passenger’s seat and something big like a boulder, or an avalanche from a neighboring snow covered mountain, with its pine trees and skyward peaks, would somehow grind this momentous, massive, iron, rusted, decrepit, beastly killing machine to a dead halt. But how did I not know better? I’m still coasting downhill, buckled into the driver’s seat, with no brakes and heading for a lake. I deep blue lake, which seems to stretch for miles until the land on the other side is confused with clouds at the horizon line. I have a steering wheel and that’s all, but I can't touch it because it’s hot and it burns and it’ll only burn off my hands if I try to hold on too long and steer this thing in another direction.

I guess I have a choice to make. Do I burn off the hand and then continue to destroy my extremities with scorching heat just so long as I can avoid drowning in the lake?

Is it worth it?

You live with 3rd degree burns. You can’t live in a lake. Won’t work. No gills. What a tough decision to make. Kill yourself slowly a little bit everyday to live, or just roll over and die? Just roll into the lake and die?

Slow death makes the most sense. We’re all doing it in some fashion or another, aren't we? Why not continue doing that instead of speeding up the process? Why not keep what I can while I can, and figure it out from there?

It can’t be that hard to live slowly burned alive? I know it’ll be hard to survive drowning. Not sure I’ve known of one case of someone surviving drowning.

So I guess I’ll die a little every day.

I guess I’ll kill myself, just a little, every day.

Maybe if I take my time dying I’ll finally appreciate what I have in front of me, instead of letting this car drive me into the lake.

I’ll take the wheel, die slowly and painfully. Maybe I'll start to numb to it. Over time of course.

I’ll roll the windows down, blast music from the speakers, roll through downtown like a big bat out of Hell itself, let everyone judge me and say their worst because I’m alive. I'm still alive.

And,“we all know how we’re gonna die baby… we’re gonna crash and burn…”

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